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Gaming Widows [Oct. 25th, 2004|08:13 am]
Hazel's Topics


Originally posted by melamitra

Interesting story from this weekend.

Playing the monthly D&D game. 4 out of 5 of the male players have girlfriends/fiances/wives.

For the past two games, two of them have started hanging out together, knitting.

This was the first time that the two of them didn't have 6 phone calls from their females asking "where are you, what's going on, etc. etc."....although the boys did call their females pretty regularly.

(the 3rd boy did get several calls from his wife, but a) they have baby and b) their toilet and tub backed up with sewage. 4th boy was at his dad's 65th birthday...worthy excuse.)

So at 9:30, boy A calls his fiance. Says that he won't be home til 10:30 at the earliest, and that this will be fine.

Boy A and boy B were both utterly amazed and excited that it was 'okay' for them to be out, seperate from their sig-ots until 10:30. This was an entirely new experience for them.

Then the other girl in the gaming group mentioned that when she was knitting last month with Females A, B, and D, that the three of them just started comiserating about how they don't understand why their boys get so excited about gaming. 'why don't the ever get so excited about me?' 'I thought I was the only one who ever felt that way!' etc. etc. Gaming girl just busied herself with her needles and felt uncomfortable.

Now, I love A, like B, and despise C. But jeeezum crow ladies, are you totally incapeable of spending time by yourself? Your man is only allowed to enjoy themselves in your company? You're not able to conceive of yourself except in defintion of your man? You think just because they like to do something that doesn't involve you, that they love you any less?

Of course, the three of us who completely Do NOT understand this behavior are the ones who are single. Am I single because although I want to share my life with someone, I don't expect to share every single second? That I would HATE having some boy be "but I'm nothing with out you"? That I think that you *should* have interests that don't overlap so each of you can still remain individual people? That coming back from different experiences and sharing talking about them is a good thing, and maybe make you better people for it?

[User Picture]From: morgansong
2004-10-25 05:35 am (UTC)

My take

As I game with my husband, I rarely have this problem. My issue is that he has more games going on than me -as there is a 1st Ed D&D game he plays in, and he plays the L5R CCG Friday nights. Neither are for me. I just haven't found a game to play while he's off at those.

A good friend of mine is a gaming widow, and she's very tolerant of her husband's hobby. To a point. And I approve of her standards. If he is going to spend the WHOLE weekend gaming, she gets frustrated. She'd like to see him atleast one of the two days. Not to mention that it gets in the way of chores and such. She also gets frustrated when he spends too much money on gaming supplies... which I can also understand. Your hobby should not get in the way of rent.

She also makes a point of learning about what he's playing. She listens to our stories, and has sat in on some sessions. She doesn't want to play, and that's cool.

HOWEVER... what drives me crazy is, when a group of gamers gets together they usually end up discussing game. And as the woman in the group, I usually feel obligated to abstain and talk to the non-gaming SO with us. But I really really really wanna talk about game. But if it's not the friend mentioned above, it's like we're speaking another language.

I guess what it is, is that I think you should learn about your SO's hobbies -even if you don't participate. If SO #1 games, #2 knits, they should ask questions. And everything in moderation helps. Much as an all day.. or even an all weekend session might be cool.. leaving your SO home to do all the dishes and laundry is a BAD PLAN.
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[User Picture]From: keirgreeneyes
2005-11-04 09:51 pm (UTC)

Re: My take

And if the gamers learn about knitting, that would go a long way too...

But I completely empathize with the singles in the group. I'm not partnered now, but when I was, we both gamed & never gave eachother any trouble about being out late. I've never gotten the "can't fall asleep till you get home" thing, but that's me. Other people I know & love really feel that way, so obviously its a real thing, even if I can't commiserate adequately.
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[User Picture]From: morgansong
2005-11-04 10:32 pm (UTC)

Should we write a knitting RPG?

It's not getting them to learn about knitting as much as it is getting them to talk about something that isn't game related. ;)
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[User Picture]From: girliegoalie
2007-01-18 05:18 pm (UTC)
Wanted to add something here. As a gamer and a gamers girlfriend.

If your SO heads off to game and says I'll be home by 7pm. This means they'll be around for dinner, but if they call at 8pm to say 1 more hour, it's annoying. And then later to extend that.

For me, I don't mind spending time alone, but if the 5 hour session is really going to be 8 hours or more tell me so I know.

If it's a Saturday night and you said you;d be home at 7pm, and I realize it's 6:30pm, I'm not going to run out to the mall to shop, or put in a long movie to watch, nor am I going to call you and distract the end of things.

It's a tough line to walk, and I'm come to the "Plus 3", which is take time they plan to game and add 3 hours. That way I'm never getting a call every hours stating one more hour.

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[User Picture]From: frieliegh
2009-06-02 10:31 am (UTC)
Honestly, I don't think it's just gamers (happens with computer programmers and engineers I know as well...), but the common thread seems to be NOT "I'm nothing without you, you need to spend all your time with me" but one of not feeling like a priority at all. I game with my guy, so it's not a big deal any more. Before I figured out what the whole big world of gaming WAS though, especially with MMOs, it was annoying as hell that he'd commit to spending hours on end in a group with people he didn't even know, but if I came in to let him know dinner was ready I got my head bitten off for interrupting... or with my ex, when I stripped and pulled his chair back from the computer and walked naked between him and the screen and the only thing he noticed was that he had to pull himself back up to the computer. (that's honestly part of why he's an ex.)

And the thing is, this isn't just me. I hear stuff like this from a LOT of people who have gamer partners. I get how the games are absorbing. God knows I can sink hours into one and not realize what time it's gotten to be! But I also know how much it stings to feel like the person who said they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me would rather be with anyone else, because there's time scheduled in for THEM but I get scraps of time if any are available. Thank you, I'm not a puppy, I don't need your scraps...

Honestly, if a fraction of the time and energy that was spent on game research/planning/playing was spent on doing stuff with the life partners, I doubt it would be an issue. Unfortunately, that's *rarely* the case.
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[User Picture]From: morgansong
2009-06-02 12:26 pm (UTC)

Excellent points!

but if I came in to let him know dinner was ready I got my head bitten off for interrupting.

I'm a WoW widow a lot more than I was when I first posted this. It gets frustrating but I've never been snapped at for interrupting. I've been misheard on more occasions than I can count, but I've basically decided not to tell him anything important while he's logged in. But if I say "I need you to log off and spend time with me" the worst I get is "let me finish this instance, so the rest of the group doesn't get screwed" -and I'm cool with that.
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